You'll never know...
who your REAL friends are until you make a few enemies.
You'll never know...
how much you loved them until after you've LOST them.
You'll never know...
the significance of your mistakes until you face the CONSEQUENCES.
You'll never know...
what could've been unless you EMBRACE opportunity.
You'll never know...
how sweet SUCCESS can be until you've worked hard enough to earn it.
Words are words, talk is CHEAP, I'll be real with you, if you're REAL with me. To be let down HURTS, even the toughest have CRIED but at the end of the day, hold no REGRETS, you tried. A WISE man once said, only the STRONG survive, no sympathy for the LAMES or those I've passed by. Patience is a virtue for the WEAK, always aggressive, time flies, REAL speak. Loyalty to what's RIGHT not whomever's around, having TWO faces makes you a CLOWN. If you're DOWN like you claim, you're alright in my book, but PLAYING both sides ain't a good LOOK.
I don't need "friends" like this...I'm in my own little world. Don't worry - people know me here.
"And I am, whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
In the paper, the news everyday I am
Radio won't even play my jam
Cause I am, whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
In the paper, the news everyday I am
I don't know it's just the way I am
[Eminem]
Sometimes I just feel like my father, I hate to be bothered
With all of this nonsense it's constant
And, "Oh, it's his lyrical content -
- the song 'Guilty Conscience' has gotten such rotten responses"And all of this controversy circles meAnd it seems like the media immediately
Points a finger at me (finger at me)..
So I point one back at 'em, but not the index or pinkie
Or the ring or the thumb, it's the one you put up
When you DON'T GIVE A FUCK, when you won't just put up
With the bullshit they pull, cause they full of shit too."
RISE ABOVE....
May 1, 2007
Thoughts for the Evening...
Current mood: Lonely
There comes a point when you're tired of chasing everyone and tryin to fix whatever's wrong with their lives, its not giving up, its realizing that you don't need some people and the drama they involve you in. Trust no one cause around here people change like the seasons. Been through backstabs, scumbags and lies. I got a list of people I despise...so if you got my trust don't lose it, and if you got my Love, don't ABUSE it.
I would LOVE to meet a MAN, with a job and a car and not some little BOY who needs me like they need their mother. I'm not materialistic by any means but I'm not messin' with any guy who lacks motivation and DRIVE. I'll be the breadwinner, that's ok with me, but you gotta want SOMETHING in life (besides me). Havegoals.com I need a man who accepts me for being the dork that I am and loves my quirkiness. As long as we can laugh at each other we will get along. And you must be able to keep up with me. I'm a busy one and I'm forever on the go. I need someone to hand me a water bottle every couple miles while I'm runnin' this marathon, not someone who keeps untying my shoe every time I get ahead of the game. I would also like a guy who can have fun doing anything, and not mind doing it with a drink in their hand! I want a man that turns heads upon entering the room. If I want him, you know there's something special about him. His ass better be loyal too. I have serious trust issues and a long-list of previous relationships that I've stepped out of…I don't want any reason to suspect foul play because I got more game than Staples Center so I smell bullshit a mile away. Don't even try it cuz I will be the best thing you ever lost…
IF YOU HAVE a psycho ex-girlfriend (or girlfriend period), a wife, an addiction (this includes drugs, alcohol, video games or anything that takes up an inordinate amount of your time), a problem being faithful, an STD, trust or control issues, a problem with the fact my back is tatted with my soulmates name, a cat (I might consider but I'm deathly allergic), a history of violence, more than one babies mama, a huge ego (whether it needs stroking or not) a problem with me making more money than you, serious debt/bankruptcy/eviction that requires putting everything in my name, something against cigarette smoke, a distaste for loud (rap/hip hop) music, an uncontrollable temper, or belong to a cult (or extremely dedicated to an organized religion which requires I convert before marriage), chances are I'm not gonna fuck with you.
IF YOU DON'T HAVE tattoos, talent, a high school diploma, a drivers license, a desire to live, an opinion, a sense of direction, a backbone, patience, the ability to sit still, a job, a car, a sense of humor, a positive outlook, an address, social skills, something to talk about or a phone where I can reach you, your ass BETTER have some serious bedroom skills because CHANCES ARE, I'M NOT GONNA FUCK WITH YOU!
AND if you roll with a bunch of homies with the previously listed disqualifications, chances are you won't be very high on my list because you're only as good as the company you keep!
Don't cheat me, don't beat me
Best know how to treat me
I'll love you so good
Promise you won't want to leave me.
If I'm down for you
Count on me to ride
All day and night
I'll stay on your mind.
Chance comes only once in your life
A girl like me you'll find,
Betta step up yo game and make a move
Before you're out of time.
Don't want to be dependant
Or to be depended on
Because Lopsided relationships
never last long.
Want you to tell me bout things I never knew
And when I go on vacation, you get to come too.
I need to be inspired then
Attention I'll invest
If you're charismatic
I'm easy to impress.
The system stole my heart away
But life goes on in other ways.
If you think you can handle
What I'm all about
Hit me up
Cuz I won't seek you out.
Still ORIGINAL….
January, 2007
Forced to Find My Way...
So much has happened since the last time I sat down and really put the real shit on paper. If 2006 was my year to Grow Up, 2007 will be the year I am forced to find my way – a way that is solely my own, selfishly driven, unique and up to par with my expectations. I’ve learned that no matter what you go through, or whom you have by your side while you’re going through it, at the end of the day, you are still alone to face the realities of what has become your situation. You better make sure that when the chips are down and it matters most, you can look in the mirror and tell yourself that you have no regrets – that you wouldn’t change a damn thing if you had the opportunity. Either that, or you live in a state that’s motionless – stuck – handicapped – dependent – insatiable – unforgiving. Last year flew by so fast. I feel like if I would have stopped just long enough to blink, I would have missed it all. The contradiction is (because with me you know there is at least one) that 2006 was a year to top them all. 2006 was the year that never seemed to end, filled with heartache, disappointment, love and hope. Days began to run into one another as I slowly lost sight of the many positive aspects of my life. I found myself dwelling in a depression focused on things I had no control over. Opportunities flourished around me yet I could be bothered minimally. Sometimes for happiness we hesitate. The biggest challenge is finding the light at the end of every tunnel. Let’s face it, blaming circumstances or others for losing yourself is the easy road traveled. What matters is how compelled you are to adapt to life’s curveballs. How you breathe when pressures on, bases are loaded, bottom of the Ninth, when you are blind-sided with a 100 MPH pitch straight in the gut, is what matters. Picture it – everything around you is blurry, people are calling your name, you can’t recognize any of them, you think that’s your name… you can’t remember where you are or what you were supposed to do but you know that success is all riding on your next move. It’s like when Bolo blinds Jean-Claude Van Damn in Bloodsport. Are you able to forget all external factors and rely upon the skills you’ve drilled endlessly in training? In a split-second, are you able to react appropriately and make the decisions you’ve contemplated so thoroughly, your response is automatic?
February 23, 2006
Growing Up in 2006
Current mood: Determined
"Growing Up in 2006"
Another year has started and another one has gone. Most of 2005 flew by unnoticed as I struggled to regain my identity. The waking daze of discovering who I was, what I wanted and where I was going clouded my head as I began my journey alone for the first time in years. The majority of people don't appreciate life nor do they see its true value. One could never understand how precious their world is until it's shattered unexpectedly, leaving you lost, alone and in need of help you never thought you might need. Things which once mattered so much to me a year or two ago don't even cross my mind nowadays. I remember the days when my biggest concern was what I was going to wear to the show that evening or how I was going to get my friends on the list. Time passed and the Internet really started to take off. It seemed like the whole world was on myspace. Everyone was watching, judging, talking. Random people knew things about you and seemed to follow your every move. Putting my best face forward as often as possible while trying to live up to everyone's expectations was a full-time job in it self. Living under a microscope in a scene where no one really cares about you will wear on even the strongest of souls. Your privacy is compromised when leading a public life and you are given no opportunity to grow, thrive or grieve. I was surrounded by tons of people who "loved" me and claimed to be "friends" of mine only to see them all disappear when I flipped the script.
In a world filled with hatred, deceit and betrayal one better know whom they can depend on when the chips are on the table. Thank God I have a family who has never turned their back on me no matter what and will continue to be there, to see me succeed as well as help me back to my feet should I fall. I've learned to pick and choose my friends wisely and choose them for the right reasons. Those out only for themselves shall end up alone and those who love whole-heartedly and give unselfishly will always be protected. Building trust has always been an issue for me. I've never been able to surrender myself to a state of vulnerability. I was always damn good at being "who you wanted me to be" but really, I did what I wanted, when I wanted. Little girl don't grow up too fast. Don't let life pass you by. Time won't wait for you to grasp the moral of the story. People will spin webs of lies around you with no remorse or consequence, possibly even unaware of the damage they are causing. Hopefully you've been honest with yourself and acknowledged your way of life because if not, you will witness everyone shy away from you when you need them most.
The past 9 months have been filled with turbulence and instability. I've been thrown into a situation that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I have come face-to-face with my morals and ethics, calling upon me to do what's right. Life has challenged me in ways I never imagined and I've overcome obstacles I never thought possible. A few people have stepped up and helped me when I hit every roadblock along my path. They have shown faith and trusted my judgment, while empowering me to do the right thing. They have instilled hope in what may otherwise be a lost cause. A paid-off loan will not comprise what I owe you. I will forever be indebted to your generosity, selflessness and involvement. You both are amazing people and I hope you realize the impact you have on those around you. Thank you for everything!
I believe morals and ethics are learned solely through experience. Beliefs change while growing up and as one matures they are able to make decisions based more upon what's right and less upon what's expected of them. Dramatic childhood events ultimately shape your views and in some cases, such as my own, provide a purpose. There is no such thing as a perfect family. Struggle, hardship, divorce, abuse, disease, violence and death all plague the family bond, threatening every second to take away the only foundation you've ever known. It is not money nor status but strength and survival, which define a "family." Looking back on situations which were handled in ways I then saw to be weak have turned into the stepping stones of reform. Your upbringing and desire to change for the better are the only lessons necessary to emerge into adulthood and leave your impact on the world. These not-uncommon experiences are what motivate me to make domestic violence a thing of the past.
I have been unwillingly exposed to the pure injustice of the system America places so much of its faith in. I have witnessed, first-hand, the rights of an innocent man be taken, resulting from one girl's absurd allegation. The U.S. desperately attempts to create equality between men and women yet some insist on interfering with the process. When a woman cries wolf she is slapping the face of every single victim too intimidated to come forward. The scrutiny brought upon a victim of rape or domestic violence results directly from those that abuse the very laws set to protect us. The money, emotions, time and energy spent fighting for one's life will never be returned, nor do they guarantee one's freedom. May God help us all.
The price one pays when living life in the public eye, by choosing to follow their dream, is at the constant mercy of the very people they wish to entertain. Those that disrespect the system and lack the proper upbringing to know the difference between right and wrong are prohibiting the growth of our society. I am thankful for the strength that I've been given to fight for what I believe in. My will to change the ethics of our society becomes more determined with each passing day. I've grown wise-beyond my 22 years and vow to live my life with everyone's best interest at heart rather than selfishly pursue a better life for myself. While rumors run rampant and assumptions are made, the characters of both the accuser and those being accused are destroyed.
