FUCK THIS!!!
Legitimately, this has already been a whack day but the bullshit drama that is going on at this moment is the icing on the cake. Wow...I guess this is what I get for trying to help people out. I'm looking crazy, dealing with crazies and actually starting to go crazy. I DGAF about the editing of a porn movie - really I don't. I never knew trying to do two people favors would turn into a paranoid text-a-thon of nonsense. Besides that, my Droid is possessed, calling and texting people by itself! I was watching it happen. I even recorded it from my blackberry so people didn't think I was a complete mess. I'm going to youtube it too, believe that. This day has swirled up so many emotions I'm not even sure what to think anymore. Was on the phone for hours with someone I'd never spoken to before but who is actually deeply connected to me in a strange way. This conversation had me chain smoking...searching for truth...but what do I make of truths I already suspected? What should I make of this feeling of wanting to do NOTHING? Part of me is thankful for confirmation, sad from betrayal, mad for pulling me back into the quicksand I barely pulled myself out of... then part of me wants to flip out but then there's most of me that really doesn't care what the truth is...I think deep down I've known for so long but it never changed how I felt. I feel like I have a sociopath imprinted on my soul and no matter what, even if we don't speak or see one another AT ALL, I know the bond is never broken. I'm not living in a fantasy world and I'm not naive. Shit just runs so deep. Plus we been through the worst of the worst together already it's like nothing fazes me. Ridiculously Ride-or-Die, us against the world till the wheels fall off...right??? I need to free myself immediately. I 500% need to get this tattoo covered up ASAP. Even though I can never see it, I love it. The way it looks when I catch a glimpse and the security of knowing he's always got my back. The only thing I ever put on my body and never regretted it even once. But FUCK THAT, I'm going to cover it with what means the most to me in this world - my FAMILY! How can we be written with the same ink in the same paragraph on the same page but be published in two totally different books??? I'm the kind of person who would give anything I have to help someone else - but when it comes to family, I'd go without to make sure their taken care of, so I'm dumbfounded how someone could spin such vicious webs of horror around their immediate blood, and their own mother! Seriously, wtf? Why lie to me? We're supposed to BE family!
I'm sick of taking care of everyone, worrying about their problems, wanting to make their lives easier while making mine harder in the process. My mother is the exact same way. I inherited this curse from her. It's like we're addicted to helping - different from the ability to say no - we offer, we want to and we're only happy when someone else is happy. Otherwise it's a constant race to do more, be more, care more. But it's when you find that one person(s) that is never happy, literally impossible to satisfy - that's when this trait becomes dangerous. For my mom, that person is my dad. If you know me then you know who that person is for me. You're probably thinking that we were genetically designed this way, like "Oiiiing do for you"...not the case. I feel like I should want someone to want to take care of me for a change but I have a real problem with allowing others to do anything for me. (With the exception of my mom of course but she's got this problem as well so let's exclude her for arguments sake. lol) I guess my goal should be to care about myself at least half as much as I care about all these people around me and then maybe my life would be richer. I don't need a man to make me whole. I just need to put ME on my own priority list. I need a vacation. I need a back rub. I need sex. lol I need to get off this blog!
Legitimately, this has already been a whack day but the bullshit drama that is going on at this moment is the icing on the cake. Wow...I guess this is what I get for trying to help people out. I'm looking crazy, dealing with crazies and actually starting to go crazy. I DGAF about the editing of a porn movie - really I don't. I never knew trying to do two people favors would turn into a paranoid text-a-thon of nonsense. Besides that, my Droid is possessed, calling and texting people by itself! I was watching it happen. I even recorded it from my blackberry so people didn't think I was a complete mess. I'm going to youtube it too, believe that. This day has swirled up so many emotions I'm not even sure what to think anymore. Was on the phone for hours with someone I'd never spoken to before but who is actually deeply connected to me in a strange way. This conversation had me chain smoking...searching for truth...but what do I make of truths I already suspected? What should I make of this feeling of wanting to do NOTHING? Part of me is thankful for confirmation, sad from betrayal, mad for pulling me back into the quicksand I barely pulled myself out of... then part of me wants to flip out but then there's most of me that really doesn't care what the truth is...I think deep down I've known for so long but it never changed how I felt. I feel like I have a sociopath imprinted on my soul and no matter what, even if we don't speak or see one another AT ALL, I know the bond is never broken. I'm not living in a fantasy world and I'm not naive. Shit just runs so deep. Plus we been through the worst of the worst together already it's like nothing fazes me. Ridiculously Ride-or-Die, us against the world till the wheels fall off...right??? I need to free myself immediately. I 500% need to get this tattoo covered up ASAP. Even though I can never see it, I love it. The way it looks when I catch a glimpse and the security of knowing he's always got my back. The only thing I ever put on my body and never regretted it even once. But FUCK THAT, I'm going to cover it with what means the most to me in this world - my FAMILY! How can we be written with the same ink in the same paragraph on the same page but be published in two totally different books??? I'm the kind of person who would give anything I have to help someone else - but when it comes to family, I'd go without to make sure their taken care of, so I'm dumbfounded how someone could spin such vicious webs of horror around their immediate blood, and their own mother! Seriously, wtf? Why lie to me? We're supposed to BE family! 
I'm sick of taking care of everyone, worrying about their problems, wanting to make their lives easier while making mine harder in the process. My mother is the exact same way. I inherited this curse from her. It's like we're addicted to helping - different from the ability to say no - we offer, we want to and we're only happy when someone else is happy. Otherwise it's a constant race to do more, be more, care more. But it's when you find that one person(s) that is never happy, literally impossible to satisfy - that's when this trait becomes dangerous. For my mom, that person is my dad. If you know me then you know who that person is for me. You're probably thinking that we were genetically designed this way, like "Oiiiing do for you"...not the case. I feel like I should want someone to want to take care of me for a change but I have a real problem with allowing others to do anything for me. (With the exception of my mom of course but she's got this problem as well so let's exclude her for arguments sake. lol) I guess my goal should be to care about myself at least half as much as I care about all these people around me and then maybe my life would be richer. I don't need a man to make me whole. I just need to put ME on my own priority list. I need a vacation. I need a back rub. I need sex. lol I need to get off this blog!
